woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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