i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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