Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
home. puking in laundry basket.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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