went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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