The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
