we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
