I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
