are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
40s are totally the cure
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
