I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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