I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
