fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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