if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
i think im in europe. pls send help
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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