i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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