I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
