the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
