I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
