Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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