I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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