and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
