just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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