I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
