I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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