my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
