I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
