I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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