The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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