last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize