WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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