talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
