I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
