Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
