That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
