Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
