at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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