11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
