question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
