we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
