The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
