How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
FUCK WHALES
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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