he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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