I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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