We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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