I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
