I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
