I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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