Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
