the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
