Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
