my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
