she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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