this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
