In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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